Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Stop The Division: A Discussion About Women, For Everyone- Left, Right, Man, Woman, Child.

The past few days have made me want to take a break from the news.  This is a long perspective, and is purely my opinion.  It is based on my spiritual beliefs, and my own personal moral code.  I simply want to point out where I stand on a few of the more prominent topics in the news lately.  To some of you who disregard any kind of religious or political discussion….this is not a post for you. It may say..."For Everyone"...but maybe not.  I may sound preachy or bossy...it’s not meant to be that. I will not apologize for what I believe. I will not force it on you either.  If you have no desire to know what my opinion is, I urge you to stop reading now.   Enter with your own free will.  This is so long because in my mind...all of these topics are interrelated. Each one leads to the next. Each is a symptom of the bigger problem. Wounding from disrespect of each other's boundaries. Mentally, physically, and emotionally.   I listen to what you all have to say day in and day out…..and do not hate you or correct you.  I expect that same respect if you choose to continue with this.  Thank you in advance!


I do not feel like I support any kind of evil by loving people around me.  My friends are not racists, bigots, or worthless hippies.  They are all functioning, valuable, productive members of society.  So....I do support the left in saying....no  matter what they choose to do in their bedroom, or with their bodies will ever make me love them any less. I do not participate in those events with them, so they are of no concern to me.  I do not support criminal acts....but as of right now...nothing we are discussing is illegal in this country. 


Even if I don't agree with someone's choice....I will always defend their right to make it.  God's most important gift to us was the gift of "Free Will".   Without it....choosing Him would be meaningless.  The greatest of His commandments was to Love our neighbors as we love ourselves. That's all well and good when your neighbor has the same values and ideas as you.  It's not so easy when your neighbor is wearing a vagina hat or has a rebel flag hanging in the back of their truck. Righteous anger and hate are two different things.  
Righteous anger defends people who are being persecuted or treated poorly.  
Hate persecutes and treats poorly.  
It's a fine line friends.  


All I know is that at the end of the day....I don't want to be the one judging who is and isn't in God's good graces.  
  • ‘You will know each other by your fruits.’   
  • ‘Not everyone who cries out Lord Lord will enter the kingdom.’  
  • ‘Did we not preach in your name? He will say Turn away from me....I never knew you.’  
  • Judge not lest you be judged


These are just a few of the things, that when in their proper contexts, remind me....to just be nice to people.  Because, as much as the woman who chooses to terminate a pregnancy is "playing God"....so are those who sit in judgment of her for doing so.  We are not God.  We need to take a step back and check our own morality first.  Our own beliefs.  I choose my standards from my faith.....my neighbor might not.  They may be using a totally different yardstick.  Sometimes we are so quick to try to convert people to our way of thinking....we don't realize that the example we set with our own behavior might just be what will make or break them coming to terms with our ideas.  
Note*  coming to terms...does not always mean conversion.  It means showing simply respect for your beliefs.  


I also support the right in the sense that.....as far as abortion and murder are concerned....they are the same thing to me.  Maybe not to you…..but they are to me.   But just as a murderer on death row can be repentant and be forgiven.....so can a girl who made poor choices and tried to correct them herself. Maybe she did it because she was scared.  Maybe because the people who were going to condemn her for terminating a pregnancy were also the same people who would condemn her for carrying that same child on her hip while not being able to care for it.  Therefore becoming "leaches to society" and "looking for handouts".  Subjecting her to the stigma of having to be on welfare and use food stamps.  To have people in the store get irate because their tax dollars are funding raising that same child...that they didn't want their tax dollars aborting.  Call these women cowards all you want. It takes a lot of courage to attempt to handle a situation…..regardless of how you choose to do it.  My personal opinion.  But I digress.  

Basically....society just wants you to do it on your own.  Whatever you choose.   Some girls are mentally incapable of caring for themselves let alone another human being.  Yes there are other choices.  I truly believe that the compassion and understanding of our neighbors, families, and communities would save more of these children than any government agency ever will.  Showing these girls mercy (before they choose to have an abortion), and that there is forgiveness and a support system available will change more hearts than your disapproval.

Remember, allowing the natural process of one's conscience to take place bring natural feelings of shame. That's enough. We do not need to shame people any more than that. Pregnant girls know they did not use proper contraception. Fat people know they are fat. People who do not reflect the standards of beauty they see in magazines...or in the public places they go to, do not need you to tell them they don't look right (to you). They know. They know that they have choices to make concerning these issues. Maybe they care, maybe they don't. That is not for you to police. You can't control everything. If we give our compassion to someone and find out they are lacking that conscience.....that is on them. You did right by them. Judgment and shame are not the tools we should have in our arsenal.

In my opinion, Planned Parenthood should not be funded by the government.  They are a business. They charge for their services, there is no need for government subsidy.    It is NOT the same thing as your local health department's family planning services.  

These are the links for services in my own community fresh off the google search:

Planned Parenthood-

Planned Parenthood does specialize in abortion services, the government does not pay for them though. Women are charged for these services. Family Planning offers a wide variety of income based services for men and women concerning sexual health 

This brings me to my next point.  We say we want the government to stay out of our uterus.....but we want them to flip the bill for women's health.  We have to get that argument cleaned up to make it more effective.  No one should tell you what to do with your body.....but if you are coming to someone to help you pay for your "choices"  or whatever you choose to call it…... then yes....you will always be accountable to the people paying that bill.  That's just the laws of borrowing and lending.    

So.....easy solution.....fund healthcare.  Mental and physical...for all citizens regardless of race, gender, age, etc.  If an abortion is a medical necessity.....help save the life of the woman in front of you. Give her the procedure.  If she is carrying a dead baby inside her womb….for the love of God….remove that child from her. If a woman has been raped she needs access to a DNC or the morning after pill....as well as psychological and medical care.  However,  If it is a choice.....then with the freedom to choose comes the responsibility to be accountable for your choice.  If the government won't pay for weight loss surgery or the circumcision of a male child…(which are also personal choices we are free to make)......  then they should not pay for your choice to terminate as a form of birth control either. Get the money yourself dear.  They offer the morning after pill and a wide range of hormonal and non hormonal contraceptives for that.  Abortion is not birth control. It should never be a first resort.  Just like any surgery….this procedure is not 100% safe.  A bad abortion can lead to a myriad of complications….that will also last a lifetime.  A correctly performed abortion can cause physical complications for you if you choose to get pregnant again later in life.

Common Complications During And After An Abortion


Mental anguish is rarely discussed either.  Young ladies are not counselled on any of this before they get to that clinic.  Abortion counselling consists of :  Are you sure you want to do this?  Is anyone forcing you to have an abortion?  Do you have any questions about the procedure?  NO ONE discusses the emotional or physical ramifications of this choice.  There is no support.  I do not encourage this choice…..but I understand it.  


Yes...there might be some women out there who have abortions for convenience.  Yes…..there might be some cry babies or snowflakes out there….yes there are bad people with bad intentions spewing some pretty ugly hate right now. Evil is ever present and rampant in our world today. It comes to us in many forms.  But the majority of the women in this movement are simply people seeking understanding and compassion for the women in our country.  If we were in another place we would be talking about the rights of the women in those places. Many of these ladies ARE fighting for those causes as well.  But today we are here.  The needs of others do not outweigh the fact that this is a discussion that needs to be had.  They were there to call attention to education, environment, LGBQT issues, to equality, to pay gaps, to racism. To whatever they had on their minds. To all issues that are important to WOMEN. The only ones that drew any real attention are the sexual and wage discussions. They were the loudest. Does that mean everyone who went out should just be cast into a big pot of "IGNORE!" ??? no. they shouldn't.

  I understand the nasty women.  We are not nasty because we choose to be difficult or off putting to society.....we are nasty because no matter what we choose to be....other will always see us as nasty.  For our beliefs, or our weight, or our decisions in life....the way we dress....or who we choose to interact with or love. Nasty women feel that they will always inconvenience other people just by being who they are.  We all deserve respect.  Regardless of whether you think these women are nasty or trashy....or even whores.....remember....one of Jesus' most devoted followers was a "whore" that he just simply showed kindness to.  Don't judge.  If someone chooses to not respect your beliefs, state your case….plant the seed...then walk away and give it time to take root.  You don't have to stand around and take verbal abuse from anyone.  You don't have to ever acknowledge their belief systems either.  But its alot easier to communicate what your beliefs are if you take a moment to listen to the people who are trying to attempt dialogue.  That point goes for the left and the right. Yelling is not dialogue. 

People only put on their fight face when they feel like their boundaries are being encroached.  We all have the right to defend what is ours....but don't go stepping on someone else's stuff because you think they are going to step on yours.  It doesn't work that way or help anything.   Pray for peace for this country.....and for a mindset of solidarity for the greater good.  God isn’t “coming back to the White House”.  He does what He wants.  You really think Obama forced Him out?? That is giving the POTUS a whole lot of credit and authority.  Seriously…..


As for the people who are upset over the celebrity presence discussing wage inequality…..it's really hard to empathize with anyone who makes that kind of money. I get it.  But some of these women are Ivy League educated women who want gender equality in their own field of work as well as for other women who might be experiencing the same wage gap.  If you make a fair amount of money and are happy with your life….congratulations….you have reached the promised land.  Not everyone is skilled to do the same thing.  Some professions are still male dominated.  If you see a sister who is not being treated fairly….instead of degrading her for supposedly not working hard enough….let's call out the employer who isn’t doling out fair wages.  When we accept a job….the salaries and performance reviews of our co-workers are not given to you in the welcome packet.  Sometimes it's not easily recognized at first.  Not everyone has the luxury of quitting a job because things aren’t perfect.  I would discourage anyone in this economy to quit a job over wage gap without having something else lined up first.  Leaving the job doesn’t correct the problem though.  That employer will just find someone else willing to deal with it.  That’s the whole point.  If we all keep dealing with it….nothing will change.  

The words "Suck it up and deal with it!" have really been tossed around the internet a lot lately. Those words bother me. Dealing with it is what has caused all of the anger and division to build up. We need to set boundaries of what is acceptable. We would never look at a rape victim and tell her she shouldn’t have been an attractive woman if she didn’t want to be raped……(oh wait….we do tell women that).  Then we tell them that if a man isn’t attracted to you then you are worthless. That’s another story another time.  

If your people sit by and watch you suffer and don’t do anything to help you….they aren’t your people.  If women keep servicing married men….men will continue to have people to cheat with instead of dealing with their spouses. They will continue to think that the "cheap thrill" is exciting and acceptable. The selling of our bodies.... allows all men (married or single) continue to believe that we value their money more than their time or our own bodies. Or worse yet they will not value us at all and just use us for disposable pleasure or servitude. Yes, sex trafficking is a real thing in the United States. It does not discriminate who it takes either. Runaways, homeless women, prostitutes, and even your wives and daughters if they choose to kidnap them.  If we don’t support each other as women….men will continue to take advantage of us wherever they damn well please. (and that includes work.)  That doesn’t mean I hate men.  It means we need to stop throwing our pearls before swine then not expecting to them to get trampled.


I love my husband.  I respect him.  I adore him.  I do not hate men.  But a lot of men do not value women.  A lot of women in relationships (regardless of the gender of their partner) do not value themselves and allow their partners to disrespect them.  We have to stop allowing it.  We have to love ourselves.  When you are ok with yourself as a woman….and you walk out the door….and other people start to tell you you are not acceptable, lovable, or worthy because of your appearance…..that is their problem...not yours.  IF you are unhappy….change.  IF you are not…..don’t let anyone tell you you have to in order to make them feel more comfortable or attracted to you.  It is not your responsibility to be attractive to anyone who is not your husband or your partner.    

Maybe all of this doesn’t constitute as oppression.  Maybe it doesn’t fall under the category of sexism.  Maybe it doesn’t have a name that makes it worthy of the attention of the President of the United States.  But we are citizens of this country....and it is a discussion we want to have. I am also hearing the word "classy" thrown around a lot as well. Certain people are considered classy....while others are "low class". That term in and of itself tells us that this is less about being women and yet once again about class division. Lower class people do not tend to hold as much value in society....therefore it has become an insult....while classy has become a compliment. I do not agree that your earnings or wages have anything to do with your heart. These refer to our rank in society....they are not indicative of our personal character. This again proves that appearances/financial status reign supreme even on a subconscious level.

I have seen people posting pictures recently of women who are either overweight, older, or just considered unappealing to the person posting....along with derogatory comments about their political affiliation or the cause they are supporting. They are saying that their argument is invalid because no one would want to touch them anyhow. This has struck a chord with me. They say if women are so sensitive about their looks/weight they should change it. This is where we come back and say.....we are ok with ourselves, we do not have to change for you. Lack of attractiveness does not make them invalid as a human being. We do not have to alter or cover up our God given appearances because you are uncomfortable. I am a firm believer in modesty. I do not speak for all women though. Speaking of the discomfort of others.....our periods and breastfeeding are as natural as sex....they are not gross or disgusting. Yet again....you are the ones who think we are nasty. We are just doing what we were made to do. I do try to maintain modesty concerning my femininity....but I do not feel like I should be shamed for the natural functions of my body. We do not shame people for using the restroom. We were made to do that. People didn't want to see everyone squatting all over the place, so they created acceptable facilities to allow those functions to take place. While the rest room is sufficient for dealing with menses....it is not always a sanitary or accommodating place to feed a baby. If people are so appalled by the sight of breastfeeding (even under a modesty cover) why not consider adding a foyer into all ladies rooms or family restrooms where a woman can sit comfortably and feed her child without having to resort to balancing herself over a toilet while trying to hold or find a place for her purse and diaper bag, so it does not have to sit between her legs on a urine soaked floor. Now that is nasty.


To Men:  When we request equality….that does not mean we want to take your masculinity away.  It does not mean we want to replace you in society.  When the women around you are empowered and respected, they become a greater asset in the workplace and better companions in the home.  They are mentally healthier and generally better partners. We do not want to BE men.....we want to BE women....without being hassled for it!  In building up women….there should never be a tearing down of men.  Only a tearing down of old outdated methods of communication between people.  A slap on the ass does not constitute a job well done…..it constitutes….please do not touch my body unless you are my partner and have an invitation to do so.  We just want to be treated respectfully.  That is going to look different for different types of people.  Some women work hard and want to be paid accordingly.  Some women want to continue to be a wife and mother….but to do it with dignity.  Some women just want you to respect their personal space.  Some want to be able to be in a public space with other people and not feel afraid. Some feel they are already equal and have no desire to change their current situation.  The prejudice comes from assuming we all want the same thing.  If you aren’t sure...ask.


If you offer to defend someone who is being harmed….I will appreciate your help.  I do not expect you to go out of your way to protect me in non threatening situations in an attempt to show your manliness though.  If you have manners and open doors out of courtesy I do not feel like you are treating me inferior.  However, I do not expect you to go out of your way to care for me outside of a reciprocal friendship or relationship.  A good way to interact with women is simply to actually talk to them.  If I meet a person and try to strike up a conversation….and that person doesn’t seem open to talking….I’m going to let it go and stop interacting.  I’m not going to call that person a derogatory term or try to push myself into their space in an attempt to provoke them.  That is harassment.  That is not ok.  Saying hello...or trying to make friends is not harassment if you respect the other person's boundaries.   

To women:  No you shouldn’t HAVE to…..but unfortunately in this society we need to…..take a self defense or gun safety class.  Learn to protect yourselves incase someone does cross the line with you. Learn to defend your children.  Try to set standards for yourself to know what you are willing or not willing to accept from people.  The more competent you feel….the more you will feel free to enjoy life without fear.  Ladies, it is our responsibility to tell people what we expect….clearly and unafraid.  We also have to be willing to walk away if our standards are not met.  We need to realize that when someone is trying to get to know us….even if it sounds a little sexist at first…..it may not be meant that way.  Appreciate a man’s effort to try to open the dialogue. That takes courage.  You can tell the difference between a man who is trying to provoke you or demean you….and a man who just wants to educate himself a little better.  If you are uncomfortable taking on the role of educating that person….tell them to look up women's rights or sexism online.  There are a lot of resources to help them learn what is happening here.

It is our responsibility to inform men that we will no longer tolerate their disrespect if they are actually disrespecting you.   We also are obligated to empower ourselves in the meantime.  Protests, signs, hats, costumes, and witty slogans….may inspire us to become empowered.  They may tell the rest of the world that we are becoming empowered….but ultimately they do not give us that empowerment.  They are simply symbols.  Don’t just wear the symbols and say it’s everyone else's problem to fix.  The only thing you can change or control is yourself.    Do not speak for women who do not wish to be spoken for.  Just leave them be.  Only speak for those in your camp.  But find the power in you.  Take it for yourself.  Demand respect by being respectful to others and showing respect for yourself.   


Women do not need government funding to support one another.  They do not need Donald Trump’s permission to gather together and form communities.   Find your sisters.  Teach your children to show respect in school, the workplace and in relationships.  Show them how to do it differently. Help women in your area get on their feet.  Counsel one another.  Encourage one another.  Love one another.  If you know how to do something successfully….. share that wisdom with others.  That will help them more than your tax dollars.  No it isn’t your responsibility to teach people what their parents should have taught them.  But the first step to equality is getting rid of the secrets.  Giving everyone a fighting chance.   Share information!!!!!   As the Bible states…..Give a man a fish….you feed him for a day….teach a man to fish….you'll feed him for the rest of his life.  Charity, compassion, education, kindness, and empathy are what will empower your sisters and yourself.

In conclusion…..again….these are all my personal opinions.  I do not expect anyone to agree with all of it.  But at the end of the day  I really hope we can begin to look past the division and just start helping each other.  Genuinely.  We are all good people here. Don't let them turn us against each other. Love your neighbor.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Mother's Day Pep Rally 2016

This is my Mother’s Day Pep Rally.  You guys see me talk about my kids.  You know I love them more than my own life.  They are everything to me.   But in all actuality Mother's Day is a hard day for me.  It was hard even before my mother died.  I want to share one brief, very vulnerable line of my own personal experience with you.  This is just a glimpse of who I am....not my whole story.  It's a long post.  I understand if you just can't..... so feel free not to.

The reason Mothers Day is so hard for me is partially because I miss my own mother so bad it hurts.......and partially because of the fact that I feel like in the history of mothers.....I could quite possibly be the biggest fraud of them all.

Part of me has never felt like a "real" mother.  Yeah...I connected with my kids...and bonded just fine. But something was always just off with me.  I always felt like a "new parent".  The one who was still learning the ropes when everyone else seemed to have it together already.

Part of me felt judged and alone when I tried to meet other moms. I still do sometimes.  The truth is.....Mother's Day is a yearly reminder to me that my kids love me.....

Even though I fail them.......a lot!!!

Even though I don't get things right.   Even though I am not always the role model they need me to be. Sometimes I’m not even a nice person.

But they still  hug me....and kiss me on the cheek....and make me cards....and write poetry telling me how wonderful I am.  Bless them.  They are really great kids.  It’s hard to accept that much love sometimes when you feel so undeserving of it.  

My truth is......they are the reason I wake up every day.....the reason I keep up the fight.....and the reason I finally grew the hell up.  I am so lucky to have them.  I am so lucky to be trusted with the job of guiding them through this life.  I struggle with my performance every day though.

This struggle is not something we are ever allowed to speak of.....lest we look ungrateful.   It's like the "fight club" of motherhood.  Everybody knows the first rule is..... nobody talks about fight club.   My fight club....is depression and anxiety.  Every one of us has that one thorn.  For most mothers....today is a day when we don't think about those thorns.  For me....it's the one day I feel their sting the most.

The reason I wanted to share this with you all this morning....is because I constantly see women  tearing each other down....and I don't like it.   Not just moms....but women in general.  Being a woman is not a competition. You can't fail at something you were born to be.   It’s okay to do something different than your neighbor….or to feel different than your friends.  It doesn’t make you selfish or unbelievable.  It makes you….you...and me…..me.  The world needs both.

So today I want you to hear something else.....I want you to hear that if you feel good about yourself.....by goodness....feel good and be proud.  You’ve done a good job and you have earned it!!!  

And if you don't.....that's ok too.  You are not alone.  You are not the only one who feels guilty....or imperfect....or just plain lost sometimes!!  There have been so many days that I have looked in the mirror and thought....how the hell did I get here???  It would just be nice to have some solidarity on this one day.  So here it is.  No matter how motherhood found us....we are all in the same boat.  For those of us who have hung in there and not jumped ship.....I want to take a moment and just tell you.....you're doing alright!  I am also telling myself this….in order to prepare myself for this afternoon.  So that I can look at those sweet boys today and genuinely show them how much I appreciate them appreciating me!!!  So here’s to all of us…….

For the mom who got pregnant to young, or out of wedlock, or whatever.....you may not have been celebrated when you announced your pregnancy....but today you are.

For the mom who is struggling to make ends meet, or has to work so much you feel like you aren't even with your kids.....trust me....the time you are with them is gold. you are celebrated!

For the moms who had c-sections and were told they weren't real moms because they don't know what labor feels like......we know how long it took you to heal....and we know that you have the scars to prove it.  you are celebrated!

For the moms who gets it all right....every day!  The carpool, the practices, the PTO, the volunteer work, the meals on the table, and the relatively clean home! the well adjusted kids!!  hell yeah girl! we see you....you are celebrated!

For the moms who are struggling with physical, mental, or hormonal issues....and can't even feel human from day to day.....but you get up....and you work twice as hard to do half as much as someone else....and you do it with love.  You do it because everything in you wants to be the healthy mom your kids deserve.  You do it because you don't ever want them to think for a moment that they are the cause of your pain.  we see how hard you are working.....and you are celebrated!

For the mom who struggled to conceive her own children.....we know how hard it was waiting....going through procedures....being told you're never going to have the one thing your heart desires most.....but you kept praying....kept believing....kept trying.  we see your faith....you are celebrated!

For the mother who can never admit to anyone that she never really wanted to be a mother.  But still you do the job day in and day out.  you love your kids fiercely and are loyal to them to no end...but you still look at them and think....I'll never be right for this.  You are right where you are supposed to be.....and you are exactly the mother your child needs in his/her life!  We see you....even on the days you don't even see yourself anymore.....you are celebrated!

For the mothers who raise children who aren't from their own bodies.  You are precious....and part of what is right in the world.  You are celebrated!

For the mom who just loves her kids....and can't imagine life without them....who is savoring every single second of this life because you know time goes by way too fast and you don't want to miss a moment!! We see you...and we wish we could buy you a stopwatch!   you are celebrated!!!

And also for the many mothers we don't always see.....because your children are celebrating you from a special place in heaven this morning.....we also celebrate you now!

For the 800 things the world, other people, or even you.....tell yourself that is wrong about who you are and what you do.....I am here to tell you today that you are loved.  you are appreciated.....and you are the center of someone's world.  You are more than "just a mom".....and you are still beautiful...talented....and wonderful!    Some of us will hear that said to us today....some of us will read it in a card.  But for those of you whose children may not be able to  articulate this message to you....because of age....or even pride....or separation.......just know that it is true....and you will hear it someday :)

As we go into this day......hold dear to how special you truly are.  our bond with our kids.... is not just one of love....or closeness.  it's chemical....it's in our life force.   it's eternal.  it is created by the hands of God himself.  So,  no matter what your experience.....we can all agree....it's a pretty amazing ride!!!! You are doing a good job.....you are enough...don't ever compare yourself to anyone else.  Happy Mother's Day!  LET'S DO THIS THING!!!



Monday, June 15, 2015

Here We Are A Year Later....So Now What?

A lot has happened since the last time I have posted.  I knew this would be more of an online diary than an actual functioning blog.  That has proven itself to be true.

The past few years have been BIG change years.  None more than this year though.  Two years ago we sold our home and moved into the house I grew up in.  My mother was getting older and didn't want to live alone now that my father had passed away.  My niece had been here with her....but she was getting married.  It seemed like the logical thing to do.   Selling the house was stressful.  Moving into a new house was stressful. Living right in the center of all of the family drama was definitely stressful.  Switching the kids school....you guessed it...stressful.  We survived though....even began to flourish.

Life with mom was amazing.  I was able to leave the boys with her to go grocery shopping or run errands.  (I had never had a babysitter before....so I was really enjoying my new freedom!)  It was also great having an extra set of eyes and ears in a house with two young boys.  I had never known the immense joy of being able to handle one of the kids problems without having the other hanging off of my leg.  She was a Godsend.

During our time living with her....my husbands mother and father both passed away within a few months of each other.  The kids dealt with loss for the first time since my fathers passing.  They were to little to understand what happened then.  Now they were old enough....and they attended their first funeral.  Each death was different.  Each burial different.  They learned a lot during this time.  They also began realizing that my mother was older....and it would only be a matter of time before she would also leave us.  I reassured them that everything was fine.  For the remainder of the year it was.  Until the day it wasn't.

The day before school let out for Christmas break.....the boys told my mother goodbye that morning....and I took them to school.  I went to cash my husbands paycheck and went to do the shopping for Christmas dinner.  I called Mom while I was in the grocery store to be sure everything was alright and to ask her about some things that were on her list.  Everything was fine.

I got home from the store and carried in the groceries. She came to the kitchen table and sat and talked to me as I put everything away.  We got down to the last few bags.  We were in mid conversation.  She looked at me and said...."I feel faint."  Then everything was not fine.  She leaned back in her chair and stopped breathing.

I called 911 and we began the process of trying to save a life.....only everything happened so fast....I knew she was gone.  I knew she didn't suffer.  But if one push could bring her back....I was going to keep pushing.  I didn't even do it right.  I know I didn't.  But I couldn't stop.  She wouldn't have stopped if it was me.  My hands came up and the first responders hands came down.  Everything after that was standard.  There were somewhere around 20 first responders, firemen, EMS, and police officers in my kitchen....while I scrambled through to give them medication lists, paperwork, and the explanations they needed.  In the middle of this....oh shit.....I need to tell my sisters.  The first name in my phone was my niece.  I couldn't do this to her.  I had to do this to her.  I called her and told her to call everyone else.

My sister was the first person from the family there.  In my attempts to convey the urgency of the situation without scaring my niece to death.....I didn't mention the word dead.  I mean....even though I was pretty sure.....it wasn't pronounced. I wasn't giving up that easily.  So when my sister arrived, she thought there was still hope.  That was my fault.  That was one of those moments when you know the truth and you just agree with them because they don't know what you know.  Because they didn't see what you saw.....and maybe....there could very well still be something they could do to save her.  It was confusing.

Then they gave up.  After a half hour of trying....they all agreed it was finished.  Then there were police reports....and photographs.....and my dear mother laying on the kitchen floor covered with a sheet.  The house was destroyed.  Groceries everywhere, furniture moved, and people everywhere.  All I wanted to do is sit with her.  Hold her hand.  Lay her lovingly on the carpet and treat her with dignity and respect.  That's not what I was ALLOWED to do though.  I had to work fast.  I had to get her out of the chair and onto the floor.  I had to spend my last moments with her beating on her chest and begging her to come back to me.  It is nothing like I ever imagined it.

Not that it was something I would dwell on.....but the reality was....I had played this scenario over in my head in case of an emergency.  I always thought I would go to her room to check on her and she would be in her bed or whatever.  I never expected it to be in the middle of our daily routine.  It was a blessing though....because the hallways are narrow in our home and if she would have been anywhere else in the house.....it would have been very difficult for them to get to her in a respectful manner with the stretcher.

Mom left the house at 1:30 pm.  I had to go get my boys at 2:15.  My husband was away working in another state.  How the hell was I supposed to do this?

I left a few minutes early so I could choke back the tears long enough to get through the car rider line.  I got the boys and I pulled over in a gas station parking lot.....and simply told the boys that after they left for school today.....Grandma passed away.  I let them cry.  I let them ask questions.  I also explained that she was not at the house but that our family would be there. That it was okay to be sad.  If they wanted to be together....we would be together.  If they needed time alone.  That was also fine.  My youngest son asked the same thing I asked.  "Why did it have to be our Grandma?  Why couldn't it have been someone elses?"

Everything stopped.  I felt like I lost everything right there in that moment.  The next few days were horrible.  I won't lie.  It is the blackest....darkest time I can ever remember in my entire life.  My best friend was gone.  The house was too quiet.  I felt guilt....I felt abandoned....I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.  I missed her so much.  But again.....we made it.

Right smack in the center of my attempts to get through this.....we realized that because the house had not been deeded to us before her passing....that we now stood the chance of losing our home as well.  Months later we realized that home is now safe.  But two months is a long time to try to mourn the death of your mother and worry about the possibility of being homeless.  My husband reassured me that we started with nothing before....and we could do it again.  No matter what happened we would be alright.  During this time I had some health problems that also took about 2 months to straighten out.  My husband began working out of town more frequently.  This meant that now I didn't have him or my mother in the house with me.  Needless to say.....my marriage hit the skids.  This was the final straw for me.  I officially lost my damn mind.  But guess what?  I made it.

Right now as I stand.....we have torn down and completely rebuilt the marriage.  I am working on getting our home in proper order.  I almost have Mom's belongings sorted and stored.  I have worked to display things in the home that are honoring to my parents memory and also to bring things in that make it feel like our home.  I have waded through paperwork and bills and paid our debts.....so that we can make it.  I have learned to handle things that I would never have done on my own before this.  It's been 6 months since Mom passed.  It has been the longest 6 months of my life.  I kinda quit life for awhile.  I have learned a lot though.  I miss my mother.  Then the days I don't miss her and I try to just live.....I feel guilty.  My heart is going to be the death of me.  Sometimes I wish I didn't feel all of this.....but then I feel bad about that too.  I don't know.

The problem is this...
I have lived most of my life chasing other peoples dreams.  I have followed them....and wanted them to have what they needed.  I wanted them taken care of.  This includes my own children.  Now that my boys are older....my parents are gone.....and my husband is on the road.....I don't have anyone or anything holding me back from doing whatever I want.  The question is:  what do I want?  Who am I?

Right now I don't have an answer for that.  I have to think about it.  One thing I know though.....is that I am going to make it.  I have to figure this out.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Santa In My Yard....

As many of you know by now....my husband, Tom, goes to the auction house a few times a week.  He spoils me I tell ya.  He really does.  This week he brought home the box lot of broken Christmas decorations that I have been bombarding my oldest sister with.  He did manage to keep one lawn ornament for us.

While I had Mom out Christmas shopping the other day, Tom decided to surprise her by hanging a few Christmas lights.

Side note: (She loves all things Christmas.....I would skip the whole commercial/fantasy aspect of it completely if possible.  We are a house divided.)  Obviously, my husband feels sorry for my mother.

So when we pulled up in the driveway,  we saw icicle lights....peppermint candy lights....a Christmas wreath....and KLAUS!!!!!  Not Santa Clause.  KLAUS!!!! (pronounced :  VERY LOUD with a German accent!!!!)

KLAUS!!!! was made in China.  I think the poor creator of this decoration may have fallen asleep in his "Religious Holidays Of The Western World" class.  I think they got him confused with someone else we know.

However, Tom and I have decided that religion aside.....KLAUS!!!! is just tired.  He's been around the world.....this is his last stop.  He has leaned his head back, stuck out his tongue....held out his arms.....and said, "Fah-git about it!!! I'm DONE!!! Christmas is over!"



Cheese Balls......

No one ever wants to get blamed for eating the last of anything in this house. Tom has made it an art form. This is what he left on the table this afternoon.....and NO ONE will eat it. 



This cheese ball would sit in this container until the kids graduated high school if I wasn't around. Not only am I going to eat that cheese ball....I will be stuck cleaning out that greasy powdered cheesy mess so we can efficiently reuse the container for legos.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

"What Actually Happened To The Cat?" You Say?

Some of you have been wondering what actually happened to the cat that I killed.....Hence the name of the blog.  Before I re-post the original entry from my previous blog,  I have to give you some more details.

This happened the day before Mother's Day 2011.  This story has been synonymous with the name Shannon for over 2 years now.  It's just not going away. I've been called every name in the book.  The most common reference is...."Don't make her angry or she'll flip a table on you!"  Anytime we move furniture around someone yells, "Where's the cat?!?!?!"   This was the CATastrophe of the year!

I had not read this post in some time now.  I re-read it and realized....this was a terrible, tragic, freak accident.  There's no way people are still getting kicks out of this two years later!!! Then it hit me....much like the table hit the cat......my readers are sickos! LOL!

So here it is.....as a tutorial for "Things NOT to do when your kids are playing in the living room".......

The Re-Posting of:

"Smashing Pumpkins"

Today is a day of great sorrow for my family and myself.  Our cat Pumpkin met her fateful end today while relaxing on the kitchen floor.
Before I explain, I would like to take a moment of silence to remember the late…great…Pumpkin Neal.
Now…..for the question at hand….how did she die?
For the weak of heart….you may want to turn back now.  Everyone else….here goes.
Our kitchen table has been wobbling for some time now.  I happened to be agitated by my darling husband this morning and I told him to give me the tool I needed and that I would tighten the bolts myself.  He offered to help….I declined it.
After tightening the legs up I tried to scoot the table forward a tad so I could lift it back up into place.  The table fell.  My first thoughts were….”Oh no!!!! I’ve busted the tiles on the table!!!”  I jumped up to grab it when I noticed little kitten paws sticking out from the side. 

I lifted the table and yelled for hubby to come help Pumpkin.  I grabbed up my kids and took them to a bedroom and closed the door so they couldn’t see the horror.  Poor Pumpkin was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
After spending most of the afternoon crying and tormenting myself with guilt, I finally calmed down and realized this was a tragic accident.  I can’t change what happened.  However, I can question it.
I asked my husband…..why couldn't I just run over the cat like a normal bad mother?  Why can’t anything normal ever happen to me?  Who kills a cat with a table?  NO ONE!  No one but me that is.
The worst part of this whole thing is that tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  I was at MY mom’s house this afternoon crying and sharing my grief with her when a Hallmark commercial came on television.  The ad was something about buying your mom a card for “All your mother does for you….”  All I could  think was….”yea….for all your mother does for you….like dropping a table on your head!”  Of course I had a small nervous breakdown.
So, here’s to Moms everywhere this Mother’s Day.  When you look back at your life….and don’t feel like you have always been a great mom….just re-read this and have a great Mother’s Day!
A table…..a freakin table…..really?

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

My Sister....The Patron Saint Of Fictitious Christmas Animals.....


As A Follow up to my Last Post.....Christmas Is HEADed Our Way .....
I thought I would tell you how this story has ended.

My sister woke up the next morning and her husband said, "Have you looked outside in the driveway?  She said no.  He said, "I really think you need to look out there. There's something you need to see."  She said, "Why?? Did someone buy us a new car?"

She goes to the window.....and BLAM!! There's Rudolph!!


Meanwhile at my house:
9 AM on the dot....RING RING....."hellooooooooooo"
All I hear is laughter.  She explained how she found him.....and as I suspected....she knew exactly where it came from.  She told me how she was going to post a picture of him on Facebook.  She also said she was having her husband fix his head and she was going to keep it. I was totally pleasantly surprised that after a decade of this....she wasn't pissed.   We had a nice moment there.

Later that day:
I get on facebook to LIKE and LOL on her post.  I see that she has a picture of her "fixed" Rudolph.... and the photo has 30 or more people "liking" it.  Then I started reading the comments.  I figured people would be laughing over the ridiculousness of our story....over "her" history of beheading.  I never expected what I saw next.

People were talking about how "I" ruined Christmas beheading Rudolph.  How they were collecting funds for "MY" therapy.  How "SHE" saved him!!!!

They had banded against me. She used her gifts of persuasion and hot gluing craftiness to turn the population of a small nation against me at Christmas time.


I am shocked!!! I am dismayed!!! I am going to get even!!!

Today:

I called "Deer Mother Teresa" about her Hitler-like propaganda against me. She thinks it's cute that everyone loves her for saving Christmas......

She even said one of her co-workers stopped her in the hallway and told her, "Tell your sister to leave Rudolph ALONE!!" She says she told them all the true story......I don't know with this one.  She's crafty remember?

The day turns to evening and Tom had to drop something off at her house.  She sent him back with a little golden box and a note attached.



At this point....I'm pretty much sure that whatever is in this box......even though it is small.....it's going to be decapitated or severed in some way.  Here's the note.......



Notice how the little reindeer in the note doesn't have a nose?? I thought that was odd for Rudolph.  Also, notice how again.....it's just the head....and no body. Hmm. 
This is why..............


THIS is why he had no nose....they cut it OFF!!!  

If Rudolph indeed wrote this note to me....then I have a few questions for him.
Such as:
What kind of  "Reindeer Games" were you at Rudolph?? The Fight Club?? Is this because of the Brad Pitt reference in my last post???   
When you said it was a "caribou delicacy" I thought it might be something a  caribou would eat.  Not something we would eat off of a caribou!!  

I don't think a lovable cartoon character would cut off his nose to spite his face.  But I do think my sister....the "Patron Saint of Fictitious Christmas Animals".....would!  


So there you have it. I'm related to an evil genius.  She's been doing this for years!  All those times you thought she was fixing up "broken" toys and animals.....she was really covering up evidence.  
Here are a few of the fictitious animals she has done in this year alone...... straight from her very own Facebook pages:

THIS HORSE:


THIS BEE:


THIS COW:


AND THIS THING.....R.I.P.



Happy Holidays.......